I had a Mirena IUD put in yesterday afternoon.  Not only did the insertion make me cry out loud in the gynaecologist’s office (people in the lobby could hear me) I immediately threw up and then they made me lay on my back in the office until the cramping subsided enough where I could walk without falling down.  I was shaky and nervous and…  Very unusually sensitive to that.

Turns out my uterus is not straight on.  Who knew?  It curves upward my doctor told me that it’s very shallow.  In order to insert the device, she had to maneuver it around in there to get it right in to the right spot.  On top of that, she had to clamp on to my cervix to maneuver that around so that she could find the “sweet spot” to insert the IUD.  She said that most people have some discomfort – but that mine was likely worse because of the shape of my uterus and how much they had to manipulate it to get the IUD in place.

If child birth feels anything like how yesterday’s insertion felt, thank god I am good to go for the next 5 years – worry free – no pregnancy.  I have always been against having children of my own.  Part of it is the maternal issue – I just don’t have it – Another part of it is supreme selfishness.  I like my life with my husband and my girlfriends (especially now that I have 3 of them that I can really lean on and whom I love a lot).  I enjoy having G around part time (well, it’s been more like full time lately with her mom being busy and whatnot) – but more-so, I am a big wussy when it comes to pain.  I do not like pain.  I’ve always had really horrendous cramps, and I didn’t want to go through 24, 48 or possibly even 72 hours of extreme labor to pop out a child that would change my already comfortable life forever.  I may not like my job – but I’ve always been very career and school focused, and honestly – I just don’t want to change that.

I’m just not one of those girls that ever wanted kids – you know that if you know me.  My husband knows this – and even though he’d DIE for me to give him another child – we do have to compromise on some things and even though I know he teases me with the “look at the baby” comments, he knows I’m not cut out for motherhood.  If he could carry the baby – sure, I’d make a fabulous mother.  But since I’m the one that has to do it – I’m sorry sweetheart – you should be happy with the daughter you already have. 

So I’m taking a day off to recover.  I hope this goes away sometime this evening so I can stand up without feeling like tipping over or doubling over in crampy pain.  If I throw up one more time I think I may die.  But – I suppose – it’s worth it to not constantly be searching for a rubber whenever me and the boy wanna get frisky. 

All this alone time has me thinking about my friends – I have them – but I don’t’ even have a CLUE how to just hang out.  I never feel comfortable just calling someone over to watch TV or whatever.  IF we were going to go somewhere or if I was going to be going to someone else’s house I’d be OK but – I never invite anyone over.  I wonder what that is about me???

I am a little worried that I’m a little dependant on my vicodin.  Shouldn’t I NOT be needing them by now?  I need to take at least one in the evening, one before bed and then usually one about 6 AM.  I can get through the majority of the day without one, but by about 6 or 7, or maybe even 8….  I find myself actually craving one.  That makes me nervous.

So tomorrow I pick up my work cell phone from a friend/co-worker and the cycle of anxiety will probably begin early Monday morning. I’m going to try to have a different outlook on work now that I’ve been away from it for a few weeks.

1. I’m going to say NO more frequently
2. I’m going to push back harder on the people that are actually in the plant to do their job instead of making me do it from over 1,000 miles away
3. I’m going to systematically work through each problem as it happens. NOW what I do is panic too much – issues come up all day long and I stop one important thing when someone tells me something is more important. I need to prioritize better.
4. I am going to ask for help. The amount of work that I am doing right now is too much for 1 person. I have heard rumors that they have put in a requisition to get me some help. When I get back next week, I’ll see if this is true

Anxiety, despite Mr. Man deciding to not work and open a martial arts studio and having major surgery, has been low over the last 2 weeks. So low, in fact, that my nails have grown and I haven’t chewed them down to nothing like I normally do. You can always tell how calm I am by how good my manicure looks.

Does anyone out there know that nyracat.com has been an existing website for more than 10 years? I’ve written over 4,000 journal entries in my online journaling life – and prior to that, throughout high-school, I had probably about 25 or 30 comp books filled with writing (from the pre-electronic years). I’ve always been a journaler. It just took a back seat here for a while. I think I’m resurrecting it. I think.

So on 5/3 I had an anchor cut tummy tuck and abdomen re-shape. This surgery kind of completes my weight-loss journey. I lost 170lbs. Put about 20 back on, and then last week they cut about 20 off. They cut off a considerable amount of skin and the difference (to me) is quite astounding. I’m very swollen right now and it will be months before it looks normal, and even after that there will be a lot of hard-work that needs to be put in so that I can tone up. I’m not going to share any pictures yet because, well – I still feel like absolute hell. I’m weak and bloody. I have drains coming out of my crotch. It’s just not a pretty sight. But I will do a before and after at some point.

Other things going on. Big family things:

About 2 months ago Mr. Man’s Martial Arts friend whom he taught with for a while asked him if he would be interested in going in to business with him and opening up a studio here in Bay City. Joe (the friend) already has a successful studio going in Saginaw (about 10 miles away) . I kind of didn’t think much about it when Mr. Man first brought it up, but then he started to speak really seriously about it.

If there is anything I know in this world it is that my husband will not be happy until he is in business for himself. Will not. Can not. He simply hates working for “the man” but does it for me and for his daughter. And for that, I love him. He HELPS to give us the comfortable life that we have today. I know that even if the business venture doesn’t turn out to be successful that he will do what it takes to turn things around (AKA he’ll go get another stupid job).

They sign the paperwork tomorrow. I am excited and super terrified.

The OCD, Amy-centric life I’ve been living for the last 5 or 7 years or so needs to take a back-seat for this. I need to support him and I need to let go a little and take a chance! This could be awesome for us!

I also re-read what I’ve just written and I realize it sounds a lot like I’m trying to convince myself that this is what I need to do. I guess I am, a little… But I honestly I know this is what he needs. So what the hell, right? I have been pretty self focused for quite a while. Guess it’s time to get off this self-centered train I’m on and root for someone else besides myself for a little bit. He deserves it and he needs it, and it all comes back around, right?

A couple of more years of living and working and as soon as my step daughter graduates, I want out of here. I don’t know what for or where to exactly – but I am definitely ready for a change.